Healing Mama Wounds: Navigating Black Mother-Daughter Relationships

Mother–daughter relationships can be a profound source of love, support, and identity. They can also be complicated, especially within African, Nigerian, and African-American cultural contexts.
This is one of my favorite relational dynamics to work with—because it’s where so much generational healing and restoration can begin.

If you’ve ever felt conflicted—loving your mother deeply, yet hurting from the way she “mothered” you—you’re not alone.
In many of our communities, there is an unspoken cultural pressure to protect and honor your mother no matter what, summed up in phrases like “But that’s your mama…” Yet honoring your mother and acknowledging your pain can coexist. Both can be true.

1. Understanding the Roots of Mama Wounds

Your mother was, and is, a whole person with her own story—a girl who had to navigate societal expectations, historical trauma, and cultural constraints. Many African and Black mothers were shaped by:

Sexism: Prioritizing sons over daughters in household freedoms, education, or expectations.

Colorism: Internalized biases that shaped beauty standards and treatment of daughters.

Respectability politics: Policing of behavior, clothing, and self-expression to fit societal approval.

Traditional practices harmful to women: Ranging from rigid gender roles to more extreme examples such as female genital mutilation in some cultural contexts.

Intergenerational trauma: The lingering psychological effects of slavery, colonialism, white supremacy, and patriarchal ideology.

Some mothers may not have had the awareness, tools, or freedom to parent differently. This doesn’t excuse harmful behavior, but it does contextualize it—and can open a door toward compassion.

2. Restoration Therapy Insight: The Pain & Peace Cycle

From a Restoration Therapy perspective, mama wounds often reveal a Pain Cycle that has been passed down through generations.

Pain Cycle Example: Identity: “I am not enough” or “I am only loved if I’m perfect.” Behavior: People-pleasing, emotional withdrawal, shutting down, or becoming overly critical in self-defense.

Peace Cycle Shift: Truth: “I am worthy of love and respect, even if I am imperfect.” Action: Setting healthy boundaries, practicing self-compassion, and communicating needs without fear.

When you notice your mother triggering old feelings of worthlessness, ask:“What truth do I need to hold onto in this moment? How can I respond from peace rather than react from pain?”

3. Letting Go of Unfair Expectations

Part of healing is releasing the expectation that your mother will become the exact parent you needed. We cannot change other people—but we can change how we respond to them.

Questions for reflection:

How can I respond differently to my mother’s triggers?

How can I operate from my own agency, rather than letting her behavior dictate my mood?

What boundaries will protect my peace without severing necessary connections?

4. Practical Steps for Healing

Therapy: Working with a culturally competent therapist can help you unpack family dynamics and trauma.

Self-Compassion Practices: Journaling, inner child work, and affirmations.

Community Support: Talking with trusted friends, support groups, or faith communities that understand cultural context.

Intergenerational Conversations: When safe, share your perspective and listen to hers—without expecting immediate resolution.

5. Recommended Reads

If you’re ready to reach another measure, these books can help:

Mother Hunger by Kelly McDaniel – Understanding the three essential needs of maternal love and what happens when they’re not met.

It’s Momplicated by Debbie Alsdorf & Joan Edwards Kay – Navigating complex mother–daughter relationships with grace and healing.

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson – Recognizing emotional unavailability and reclaiming your life.

What Happened to You? by Bruce D. Perry & Oprah Winfrey – A trauma-informed approach to understanding behavior.

Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab – Practical tools for healthier relationships.

6. The Good News: Restoration is Possible

Even if you and your mother never have the relationship you imagined, healing is still possible—for you, and even for her in unexpected ways.
When one person in a family begins to live out of their Peace Cycle, it can shift the relational patterns around them.

Work Your Way to Peace:
If this resonates with you and you’re ready to work through your mama wounds with a therapist who understands the cultural layers, I’d love to help.
You can book a session with me here: Schedule with Bisola Adediji