On Mother-Daughter Relationships and Girls’ & Women’s Mental Health

Mar 14

Written By Bisola Adediji, M.Sc., LMFT-Associate

My passion for helping mothers and daughters repair their relationships started when I was just a little girl.

I grew up in Montgomery, AL, as the middle child, and only daughter, of two Nigerian immigrants. Being my mother’s only daughter was, and still is, my greatest joy. I was honored to hold that position, and I was excited about it. I wanted to be just like my mummy, and I wanted to make her proud. I would eventually learn that my mother had high expectations of me, and I always felt like I was falling short.

Navigating Our Differences.

As much as I wanted to be just like her, I wasn't her.

We had different personalities. We had different complexions and hair textures. We had different worldviews and experiences, separate likes and dislikes, and varying dreams and aspirations. We were just the opposite, and despite sharing DNA and the same body parts, we could not seem to understand each other.

I imagine it like a “Family Kingdom”, where it often felt like the “Queen and Princess” (my mom and me) were duking it out, while the “King” (my father) and the “Princes” (my two brothers) had to deal with the aftermath of an ugly warzone. It was no fun for anyone.

The Lasting Impact of the Mother-Daughter Relationship.

When I went away to college, I quickly learned that my relationship with my mother was the blueprint for all of my relationships. I found myself in dysfunctional friendships and fruitless romantic flings, and I was not sure how to steward my womanhood in a way that I felt good about.

Another failed courtship led me to therapy. I was shaken up when I found myself in session, talking more about my mother, than I was about the guy. I thought I had grown out of my “immaturity” and that my relationship with my mother was “fixed.” I was mistaken.

How Mothers Shape Their Daughters’ Lives (and Vice Versa).

Girls often learn how to be women by watching their mamas. We learn how to be in relationships through our interactions with our iyas. Mothers truly birth nations and raise generations, and sometimes I think they forget that they may be raising America’s first woman president, the next great civil rights leader, a CEO of a Fortune 500 company…the possibilities of who a daughter can become are truly endless.

Similarly, I think daughters forget that mothers are not perfect and that they were (and are) just girls. I think daughters forget that their mothers had a story and a journey before she became “mommy”.

Breaking the Cycle: Healing Mother-Daughter Relationships.

I know I’m not the only one who grew up hearing the saying “Girls never get along”, or “Women always fight.” I find this rhetoric to be disheartening, and simply untrue. Women are socialized to compete, and thus, we find ourselves believing that we’re opponents, as opposed to seeing each other as sister-women.

In a world that can be so cruel to girls and women, it breaks my heart when mothers, daughters, sisters, aunties, and grandmas cannot live harmoniously.

Building Stronger Relationships for the Next Generation

Gender socialization, culture, and tradition has shaped the way the world views girls and women, and despite challenges, we have overcome a lot. However, to raise the next generation of beautifully creative, resilient, and driven businesswomen, wives, and mothers, we must foster healthy and fulfilling relationships between mothers and daughters, sisters, and all women.

We need each other.