Self-Regulation vs. Co-Regulation: Why I Encourage Clients to Prioritize Self-Regulation in Couples Therapy

We’ve been sold a comforting—but incomplete—story about relationships: that our partner should be the one to “calm us down” when we’re upset. The popularization of co-regulation in couples therapy spaces has reinforced the idea that the healthiest relationships are those where partners actively soothe each other during moments of distress.

While co-regulation can absolutely be a beautiful part of a healthy partnership, as a Restoration Therapist, I believe self-regulation is far more transformative in the long run.

Let’s break down the difference.

What Is Co-Regulation?

Emotional co-regulation occurs when one person’s actions, words, or emotional state help another person return to a calmer, more balanced state. This is foundational in parent–child relationships. Children must rely on their caregivers for co-regulation because they haven’t yet developed the neurological and emotional capacity for full self-regulation (Feldman, 2007).

In adult romantic relationships, co-regulation can happen naturally when two emotionally healthy, self-regulated individuals support each other during times of stress. However, it should not be the primary goal.

When co-regulation becomes the main strategy for emotional management, it can create dependency: your emotional stability hinges on another person’s responsiveness. And while that may sound comforting in theory, it’s risky—because it puts your well-being in someone else’s hands.

What Is Self-Regulation?

Emotional self-regulation is the ability to recognize, manage, and stabilize your own emotional state using internal resources—awareness, perspective-taking, values, and coping skills—without requiring another person to do it for you (Gross, 2015).

In Restoration Therapy, self-regulation involves mandating yourself: taking responsibility for your emotional state in light of the truth about who you are and your safety in the moment (Hargrave & Pfitzer, 2011). It’s about meeting your own emotional needs so that you can show up for your partner from a place of groundedness, not desperation.

When you self-regulate, you can remain calm and intentional in your interactions, regardless of your partner’s behavior. This is emotional maturity: “growing yourself up” so that your peace is not at the mercy of another person’s mood.

Why I Encourage Self-Regulation Over Co-Regulation in Couples Therapy

In couples work, I often see partners waiting for the other to change before they themselves can feel secure or at peace. This dynamic keeps both people stuck.

When each partner takes ownership of their own emotional regulation, it changes the entire relational climate. Self-regulation:

• Breaks cycles of reactivity (you don’t escalate because you’re anchored in your values, not your emotions).

• Increases resilience (you can weather conflict without becoming overwhelmed).

• Fosters deeper connection (you can offer presence and empathy rather than pressure or neediness).

Co-regulation does have its place—it can be renewing and affirming. But it’s more like a bonus, not the foundation. True transformation happens when you cultivate peace within yourself and then bring that peace into the relationship.

The Bottom Line

When we were children, we behaved as children—we relied on others to meet our emotional needs. But adulthood calls for something higher. Your spouse is your partner, not your parent.

Self-regulation is not about emotional isolation; it’s about taking radical responsibility for your well-being so that your love and connection are grounded in choice, not need.

So yes, enjoy the moments when your partner soothes you. But never outsource your emotional stability. That’s your job.

References

Feldman, R. (2007). Parent–infant synchrony: Biological foundations and developmental outcomes. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 16(6), 340–345. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8721.2007.00532.x

Gross, J. J. (2015). Emotion regulation: Current status and future prospects. Psychological Inquiry, 26(1), 1–26. https://doi.org/10.1080/1047840X.2014.940781

Hargrave, T. D., & Pfitzer, F. (2011). Restoration therapy: Understanding and guiding healing in marriage and family therapy. Routledge.